I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
