My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
