I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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