cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
