I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
