i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
