i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
