who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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