When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
