I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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