I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
My cat gives me a boner
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
