we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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