Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
