It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he fucked my hip out of place.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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