Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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