two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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