the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
