If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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