His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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