Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
