I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
