Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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