Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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