i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
