He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
