her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
