I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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