I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
