Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
