At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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