i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
