Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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