I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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