i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
