She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
