Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I had to cum in my sink.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
