I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
