don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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