I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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