He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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