I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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