remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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