I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Randomize
