Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
