i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
