You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
