Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
