I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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