i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
