I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
